Nightly "Love ya"s

JT and I usually talk every night that he's at work, either via e-mail or chat, and I admit, I'm a creature of habit. I like my closure. I like signing off every night with "goodnight... love ya" and I like (and honestly expect) to "hear" it from him. Although I try not to let it, it really bothers me if I don't at least get a "goodnight." Yes, "ttyl" is a form of that, but it's sort of impersonal. And I know that there are people out there who say "love ya" like it's rote, because even though they probably mean it, it sounds devoid of feeling at times. I'm thinking specifically of one of my coworkers who, when ending a phone call with her husband, rattles off "loveyoubye" as though it's one word. I don't dig that personally, but after 12 years of marriage, I can understand it. He and I have been together for less than a year. I don't think we're at the rote stage, and I certainly don't feel secure enough to think, "oh, even though he doesn't say it, he means it." I have to justify the lack of hearing or reading "love ya" by obsessing over the times he has said it, and the ways he shows it (because as we all know, actions speak louder than words).

Tonight, he was talking about going to some defense instructor school in Richmond, which will cost him $600, since the state won't pay for it. So that to me is the final nail in the trip to Ireland coffin. He'd already started the "I can't afford to go because gas prices are eating into my savings" spiel. So that basically means I won't be going, either, because without him, I'll most likely not have a roommate, and I won't have a constant trip companion, either. So now my choices are a) go to Minneapolis with my parents to see my brother, b) go visit cousins somewhere, c) sit on my ass at home, or d) attempt to convince him to use some of the rest of his trip savings on going somewhere closer to here, because I would really like to go on a trip with him (and I would love it if he would take some initiative there or at least say, 'y'know, I'd really like to go on a trip with you, too.' But back to my point. We chatted somewhat about that, and then he presumably had to run off to do rounds, which is part of his work routine. But in closing, I got "ttyl." Not even a "goodnight," and certainly not the "love ya" that I've come to crave. And it upset me, as it has before. But I guess as before, I'll have to spend the last moments before I drift off to sleep either clearing my mind and trying not to think about it all, or rehashing the times he's said or shown it before.

Men can be such lugheads sometimes.