When will it click?

Total lost: -2.2 lbs.
Next goal: -18 lbs.
To go: -16 lbs.

Last night, around 11:30pm, I cooked half a box of Barilla Plus elbow pasta. I'm not sure why. I wasn't hungry. I was bored, I guess. I wanted to eat something, and I had virtually nothing to snack on around here. I'd already way exceeded my points for yesterday too. I pretty much always do, because I know I'll probably be eating at Fazoli's, and what I usually eat there runs me at least 17 points. Granted, I did go for a quick walk yesterday, but that amounted to about 2 activity points.

This morning, I'm starting in already with the bad choices, and by bad choices, I mean that I didn't just eat breakfast and leave it at that. I'm already snacking. I've had two Kashi waffles and two 100-calorie packs of Hostess mini cakes. Doesn't sound all that bad, but it reflects my complete lack of structure on the weekends. I have the hardest time planning meals on the weekend - namely with regard to breakfasts and lunches. So I think today, I'll try and redeem myself. I'm going to plan out the next week's meals and get my grocery list together. I'm going to push myself to work out (even though sometimes it can be hard, since my feet have been hurting off and on for months). I've got to get going.

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OK, here it is, 10pm, and I've been to the store. I haven't worked out (unless you count a trip to Kroger as a workout), and I've had some bad stuff to eat since breakfast. I bought a chess bar at Kroger, and because they didn't have any rotisserie chickens left, I got breaded chicken tenders. But I had WW mac & cheese and a couple of carrots with it. But it seems like every time I go to Kroger, I get this urge to buy myself something "good" that's really bad. I've got to stop that. It's not helping me at all. I've got to get to the point where I even plan out snacks. I have at least two pairs of pants in the closet, and five-plus shirts that I either can't wear or don't feel comfortable wearing because my gut hangs out too far. When is it that that "thing" in my head will snap again? When will my positive, motivating thoughts become reality?

Thinking healthier

Don't you wish sometimes that the effort put into having good intentions regarding nutrition/fitness was enough to count toward weight loss? Kind of like the steps on your pedometer can be counted toward earning activity points for the day (every movement counts!). I've been thinking about eating more healthfully and exercising more off and on all day, and it would be nice if the thoughts counted for something. Right now, I'm taking a break from making a list of healthy recipes I'd like to try, and dreaming about what I want to look for when I go to Good Foods Coop/Whole Foods this weekend. I hate to not go only to GFC, since I've been on a bit of a "buy local" kick lately, but I think WF is bigger and has more stuff to look at. I guess no one says I can't go to both. Anyway, I've been reading Dietgirl's blog for days now, and her enthusiasm for eating right, cooking, and her general zeal for healthful foods (mostly veggies) is infectious. I don't think I've ever thought this much about adding veggies to my diet before. She's got this really cool opportunity where she lives - there's a service in the UK that ships a box of random veggies to your house, and the challenge is to ID whatever isn't familiar and figure out how to consume it before it goes bad. Even if they had that here, I think it would be pretty ambitious of me to start getting something like that delivered, since it's always been somewhat of a chore to add vegetables into my meals. But it's a nice thought.

Anyway, I hope I can continue these good thoughts so maybe I'll eat less (crap), and the same effect will happen to my thoughts of exercise. I read a great quote in an old entry on Dietgirl's blog today that helps: "It's such a high to feel your body doing what it's meant to doing... moving! Stretching! Being challenged. Kick ass." I don't know if I would quite go that far at this point, but I know from the past that it is empowering to work out. I wish I hadn't fallen so far out of the habit of working out. But I've reformed the habit before, and I know I can and will do it again. So, in the words of DG, "onward and downward... kick ass!"

It's better to be looked over...

I've been meaning to post another entry for a week now, but it always got too late in the evening by the time I thought about it. Not that anyone's missing them. I think I'm the only one who pays attention to these entries. Anyway, what originally made me want to post an entry was something that happened to me on the way to meet Dad so we could drive home last Friday. I was walking behind this chick, probably in her mid-20's, wearing an A-line skirt and heels (and this dumb coat with buttons down the back... but I digress). She was on her phone and was presumably oblivious to her surroundings. I spotted a guy walking toward us. As I typically do, I looked at him to sort of assess whether or not I thought he was the type of person to make eye contact and smile. He didn't even look at me - his eyes were glued on the chick on the phone. It's not like she was a supermodel or anything, but compared to schlumpy old me, I guess she was just as good as one. As we got to the intersection of Vine and Upper, I saw a guy getting ready to cross in the opposite direction. I did the same assessment, and he did the same thing as the other guy, only he blatantly looked her up and down. I'm talkin' head movements and everything. I was totally offended on her part, because had it been me, the flattering feeling would have been overridden by the feminist, "I'm not a piece of ass" thought. But I'm sure she didn't even notice - she was too busy on her phone!

Mae West said, "I'd rather be looked over than overlooked." OK, yeah, I guess I would rather be considered "worthy" enough to be ogled (and not by creepy guys who STARE in pubs), and it'll be a while before I feel like I'm at that point. I seem to respond better to negative stimuli than I do to positive ones. I'm still meditating on this experience, trying to soak out more inspiration. But now that it's documented, maybe I'll have better luck.

Day Two

I guess I should explain that the information I'll put at the top of the blog closest to my weigh-in relates to my net weight lost, and the current goal I have, not necessarily my ultimate goal. My ultimate goal is somewhere in the ballpark of 90 lbs., but that's pretty overwhelming, so I'm taking it in increments so it'll seem more reachable. Yep, that's something they teach you at Weight Watchers (aka WW) so you'll stay encouraged. And for those who don't know, they reward you for just about everything. Every 5 lbs. you lose, hitting your 5% goal, 10% goal, 25 lbs. lost, etc. You'd be surprised how excited people get over receiving stickers and trinkets for their achievements. So my first goal is to lose 15 lbs., and once I hit that goal, I'll set another one.

So today was the first day of the first week of WW-while-blogging. I did OK. I ate pizza for lunch, which wasn't exactly healthy, but I budgeted points for it. That's the beauty of WW - you can eat whatever you want, as long as you count it. Dinner wasn't so healthy either, and I blame equal parts lack of discipline and lack of planning. I really didn't have anything on hand that would have been that fulfilling of a meal, so I had mac & cheese from a can. But I counted it, and I counted everything else for the day, dipping into the extra allotment of points as needed. Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day, but as of now, I have no idea what I'll be consuming at lunch or dinner. I am going to do my best to get a workout in, too, since the goal this week is to work out 2-3 times, and I can't rely on myself to stick to the Saturday-Sunday combo I have in mind. Maybe I'll walk down to the library to take my book back and stop off at Sunrise Bakery for a turkey sammich. Tomorrow's supposed to be pretty nice, albeit windy.

I think I'll go try and come up with some meal ideas for the week before I head off to la-la land. Gotta get my sleep in - there's an article in Glamour this month that talks about how 5 women tested the theory that more sleep leads to better weight loss (http://www.glamour.com/magazine/2009/02/lose-weight-while-you-sleep), and apparently, it works. So, off I go, until tomorrow. Here's hoping I make better choices tomorrow!

Inspired by the Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl

Total lost: 3.2 lbs.
Next goal: -15 lbs.
To go: -15 lbs.

OK. I've been at this diet/lifestyle change/Weight Watchers thing officially for over 4 years now. I did great when I first started. I lost every week for the first 16 weeks or so (I can't tell exactly, because I can't find my first weigh card at the moment). But I went pretty strong there for a while, and after 11 months or so, I had leaped way beyond my 10% and lost 37.8 lbs. That's about 10 shy of halfway to my goal. Pretty damn good. Then somewhere along the way, I fell off the wagon. I usually use my aunt's passing as the turning point, since I wasn't able to exercise or eat very sensibly during the time that I was out of town for the funeral, but looking back, that's not really the case. I hit my all-time high after she passed. Like, 5 months after. I'm not sure what really happened, but I lost my mojo. And I kept losing it, and losing it, and losing it, until I got down around my 5% goal. I swore I wouldn't let it slip beyond that point, but old habits die hard, and my lack of discipline took over. I'd already stopped going to the gym regularly a while before that, because they messed with my schedule (they switched kickboxing from Tuesday to my Weight Watchers night, then started rotating another instructor with my favorite one who taught on Saturday mornings). I had formulated a plan to get around that, but I never put it into play. You can guess what happened after I swore I wouldn't gain beyond a 5% loss... yep, I did, and I got to about 10 lost. Again, I swore I wouldn't fall below a 10 lb. loss, but I did. The pounds slowly crept back on, to the point where I am now at a net 3.2 lb. loss. It's good that I haven't gained it all back, but I still shudder to think I had been 34 lbs. lighter. I had bought new pants. I had old pants that were so loose that I could pull them on over my hips without unzipping them. And I felt a lot better about myself. I had more confidence. And I rarely had fat days or moments when I felt fat. That is what I am aiming to recapture.

Here's the goal - lose 15 lbs. by the end of April. I figure that will create a 3" loss around my waistline, and the shirts I bought to wear last summer will fit for the first time. (I had refused to send them back or return them to the store.) In order to work toward that goal, I will plan more meals and try to snack less, or at least snack on better things. I will get my butt up and moving more - to the gym, to the living room floor, whatever. I'll start at 2-3 times per week for 30 minutes and work up to 4 times a week for at least 30 minutes. I'll add in some weight training once I feel like I've got a decent loss under my belt (pun intended). And I'll stop using Tuesday night as a "free night" where I can binge because it doesn't count anyway - I've already weighed in! (There's some lethal logic.) Hopefully this blog will serve as a good motivator to keep me on track, particularly if people (i.e. friends) actually start to follow it and make comments.

Here's to forming good habits (again)!