Persistence

I got the same e-mail from a guy on Plenty of Fish three times. The third time, I decided to give him a proper brush-off, since not responding wasn't getting the job done. Here's how things went down:

-----------------------------

Him: Hey , how are you doing?

Me: Thanks for the e-mail, but I don't think we'd be a good match. Good luck in your search!

Him: what would make you think that.. why do you say that? Intelligence, humor..the biggest percentage of what u said you are looking for... i fit..curious..lol

Me: I just don't feel like we'd be a good match. Sorry.

Him: ok ... cool... i was just asking why.. not that u have to explain.. just wanted to know why u think we ar enot a match.. i wouldn't offended...but i was just asking because according to your page we area match..lol. if it is looks. that s understandable or if it is because i am latino that is fine an understandable.. nothing wrong with it.

Me: It's not because you're Latino. I just don't feel like there could be a connection. Good luck.

Him: LOL ok.. ok.. i was just asking WHY do you thin there would not be a connection? What about my page says that.. and how would u know if you have never talked to me before. I am a very good connector...lol and I also am a good moral and Godly man who is considerate of others...what triggered u to say or think we wouldn't connect is what i am asking? do u just randomly choose who think won't connect ..i mean u don't know me to know if we would connect... curios.. curiosity killed the cat.. but the satisfaction brought him back..lol

Him: hey give me a chance.. be a good friend.. and see

Me: Although you are a nice-looking man, I am not attracted to you. Good luck with your search.

Him: OK.. see that is what i was looking for... i can work with that...BUT could we be friends...

Him: also let me ask you this.. is that because you think I am a player.. some women say they think i am a player just based on how i look.. which is actually not possible to tell and is not true... i am not a player..just so u know

Me: It has nothing to do with that.

Him: cool.. but u never answered my question about friends?

Me: No answer is often its own answer.

Danar and the Latest Potential Suitors

I know you're all dying to know what the latest in the dating world of Danar is. I had interest on OK Cupid from one fella who seemed decent, though I detected a potential for clinginess. Turns out he'd seen me at the Fazoli's I frequent, and he suggested "coincidentally bumping into each other sometime." Because I'm never there without my mother, and because there are managers who would give me a hard time about meeting a guy there, I vetoed his idea. His next suggestion? Meeting up at the Olive Garden so he could -- wait for it -- use a gift card he'd received. FAIL! Not only was I turned off by the suggestion of having a gift card used on me on a first meeting/date/whatever, but I was repulsed by the idea of going to the Olive Garden, which is THE most generic restaurant I can think of, including Applebee's. I don't get the appeal at all. I ended up letting the guy down easy by telling him I didn't think I was in a frame of mind that would allow me to pursue a possible dating situation. At the time, that was true, and to some extent, it still is. I've since been communicating with a geography professor at KCTC. It's going well, though his e-mails are kind of formal. I guess that's what you get when you're e-mailing an educator. Dude needs to have a beer and loosen up a bit, though.

In Mourning

I'm not in mourning because someone passed, but rather, something (apparently) passed. I met a guy on Match about a month ago. We exchanged some e-mails and eventually talked on the phone and arranged to meet up casually. The meeting went great - we were at the bar for 3½ hours. We walked to our cars and chatted a bit more, and then he put his arms around me and kissed me. A lot. I was bashful about it because a) there were people around (though not many) and b) because I just wasn't prepared for it. But I tried to go with the flow. Incidentally, there has been one other semi-major makeout session since then, but that was two weeks ago. He invited me out to hang out with him and his friends a couple days later, and I went. I figured that since he spends so much time with his friends (they get together at least twice a week on average), he probably wanted me to get to know them so I would be comfortable not only with him hanging out with them a lot (should we end up dating), but being around them often myself. They're cool guys, and as he later told me, they seem to have taken to me as well. Heh, not like they have much of a choice. Anyway, it has only been about three weeks since we first met up. I've spent a lot more time with him and his friends than I have with just him, although we did have a bit of a "date" Friday (movie, dinner, drinks, afterparty at the usual hangout). As that night was ending, he said several times that he'd had fun that day, and I told him I had as well. But instead of a real kiss, there was a light peck on the lips. We're talking basically no pressure - it was a brush, really. I tried again and got a better one, but I left feeling like it wasn't gonna happen, though I didn't want to admit it at the time.

The next night (last night), I opted to go out to hang out with him and some of his friends at the usual place. I got kind of frustrated at one point and almost left after one drink, way before anyone else was ready to leave. But I stayed, just to see what would happen if we all left at the same time. It was basically the same as always - short chat in the parking lot, somewhat awkward hug, no kiss. I went into the evening not expecting even a hug, so I wasn't horribly disappointed again, but I ended up talking to a guy friend about how I think it's probably time to throw in the towel on expecting a relationship. He was at least encouraging, to some degree - he told me not to throw it aside yet. We're supposed to have dinner together tonight, and I'm sure we'll discuss it further, but it may be in a reflecting sense. I woke up this morning feeling like something had passed... like I'd had a dating miscarriage. I'd been all happy that maybe something would happen, and last night was the point where it passed, so now I'm in a weepy, depressed state. I'm trying to get out of it while still being somewhat optimistic, because you never know what will happen, but I ain't bankin' on anything happening besides getting a few friends out of the deal. That's nice, but I didn't exactly join Match to meet friends, and I really like(d) this guy. I'm sure they'll be meeting up on Tuesday, as they always do, but I think I'll sit that one out. Maybe I'll sit out Saturday, too.

Not interested = no response

This is why I should not respond to any nuckfut I'm not interested if he e-mails me. Some guy on OKCupid e-mailed me a couple weeks ago and just asked me out - no "hey, how ya doing, here's what kind of guy I am" or anything. I didn't respond because I wasn't interested. Today, he e-mailed me again: "All you have to do is click, to see if we could tick?" So I took a look at his profile to be fair, and I clicked through some of the questions we'd both answered to see if there was anything glaring that we didn't match on. I came across a question about same-sex marriage - was it OK or not. The guy had chosen "All same-sex relationships are wrong." Bingo! That's a major point of contention, and since he had no religion/political affiliation listed (really, none of his "vitals" were filled out), I think I'd be fair in assuming that he's probably relatively conservative. Being that I'm pretty liberal, I think that would be a major dividing point, so I decided to be nice and respond to him to say that I didn't think we were a good match.


Me: Thank you for the e-mail, but I don't think we'd be a good match. Good luck in your search.

Him: You sound like you are trying to match two dogs together or something.

Me: What should I have said? It's not like I said, "I don't think we would mate well together." I don't think our interests and values are in tune. Would no response have been preferable?

Him: Makes me think that, we are two slabs of meat looking to get together. I have more to offer than most men. I have a heart that wants more than to get into someones pants that I meet on the computer!!

Me: I have no doubt that you are a sincere man looking for a sincere woman. Unfortunately, based on some of the answers to the questions we answered, I don't think that I am the woman you're looking for.

Him: I would never want a cookie cutter woman. I want someone that is different than me. I would want someone that is willing to open their heart and want me and the differences. Looking for someone that fits a perfect profile and says all I want to here, will never be what I would want in the long run. I know finding someone on the computer is a far reach, but i am not about to go to a bar and think of wanting someone to build a life with. The perfect person is god, not me or anyone I will find on a computer.

Me: Hopefully you will find her. Good luck.

If he responds again, I think I'll tell him that it's nothing personal, but he should learn to take "no" for an answer. And then he's getting blocked.

The latest MySpace message

I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up:

"you are like full moon in the sky, well what are you , well I take gods oath you are just mind blowing, fantastic, your hair are like that clouds are fallen on your shoulder, your eyes are like just glass full of wine of love, you are like that wine of love, your face is like a lake in which lotus flower is laughing, or my heart is like an musical instrument on which you are played like a sweet song, you are just like a dream poetry of a poet, your lips are red roses all the nature salutes you, as you are queen, in the world love and romance you are the rare masterpiece of nature beauty, my heart says again you are like full moon in the sky"

Undateable

I was watching a show called Undateable on VH1 this evening. It's based on a book called Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won't Be Dating or Having Sex by Ellen Rakieten and Anne Coyle. It was a RIOT. Thank God I haven't encountered too many men guilty of any of these crimes against women. Well, I only saw 40 out of the 100 worst ones, so I'm sure there have been some others I've been subjected to. But it started me thinking about what my own list of undateable qualities would include. Here's one: toilet paper. Keep plenty on hand, and do not steal it from your place of employment. My ex used to do that, and he ran out right before I got there once. I went to Kroger and bought him (well, ME) TP for 81¢, including tax. I even had to start keeping a roll in my trunk in case I went to his house, and he had run out again! I know guys can be cheap, and he took an abnormal amount of pride in being cheap, but geezus, who can't afford 81¢?! And seriously, what would he have done had he had to take a poo, and there was no paper? Wipe his ass with the pages of the precious log home magazines he was always making the O face over? I shudder to think.

And since we're talking bathroom courtesy, here's something that will probably gross everyone out and make them wonder why I stayed with my ex as long as I did. One of the first times I went over to his place, I had to use the loo, and the one downstairs was pretty much always nonfunctional, so I went to the one upstairs. Dumbass had gone #2 earlier and somehow FORGOT to flush. Yeah, that's a level of intimacy I *never* want to reach with any guy, ever again. I should've dumped his arse a lot sooner, no pun intended.

The Nigeria Scam of the Romance Realm

I'm not one to hang out on MySpace too much anymore (heh, who does?), but I do log in to check my e-mail and friend requests. These are three similar e-mails I received yesterday:

Subject: Hi

HELLO
how are you doing today?i cant help but to send you this message cos i think you are really cool and the kind of woman i would love to spend the rest of my life with,i am a cool,caring and understanding man who is looking for a life partner.i am mark brown and i am a contractor,am a native of America but am in Nigeria presently for contract purposes.i love reading,writing,walking on the beach,hanging out with friends.i am a very loving man and i believe strongly in love that is why am here online to look for my true love and i would really love us to get to know each other better cos i believe we can be a perfect ...if you don't mind,we can talk on yahoo messenger mark_brown_69@yahoo.com,you can add me up there.have a lovely day and i would be expecting a reply from you.thanks


(Heh - Nigeria! "Hello, I would like you to help me make a 'deposit' into the Bank of You.")

------------------------------------------------------
Subject: hi cutie

I saw your profile and it caused and unusual impact, I am interested in you. You have such a beautiful profile. Have you found your lover? If you are still searching, I would like to know more about you, what motivates you? What makes your heart leap with passion? Love? Joy? I find your intelligence and beauty very exciting.Your profile compared to yours. I'm looking for a woman who wants to take the time to get to know me through email correspondence and an open sharing of the head and the heart first through email and Chatting online and then negotiating a meeting in person if we both remain interested. I am ready willing and able to venture forth on a journey that will leave the past behind while preserving the best memories and forgiving the ones that were hurtful and usually unintentional. I live life one day, one hour, one moment at a time. I want and need the healing power of love physically emotionally and spiritually.I live as if time were on fire and I believe that every day of the right relationship should be treated like the first day of our honeymoon. I want to share what I have with one special woman who will appreciate that I have a deep capacity to love that needs to be filled and fulfilled. We can't keep it unless we give it away. I am writing these thoughts as the flow into my head and my sense is that they are coming directly from my heart.I'm feeling very peaceful now and this seems like the appropriate place to stop. If for some reason we happen not to be right for each other, I wish you the best in your search.Moreover, I will like you to put a smile on my face by hearing back from you..this my email adress XXXXXXX@yahoo.com,feel free to send me mails or add me up on your im so we can chat.
Thinking of you
Ray

(Not searching, so this is all moot. Sorry, dude.)

------------------------------------------------------

Subject: hello there

My name is Corey but my mom and some people call me (corey lit ),Am single man. I am new to this type of atmosphere in meeting people, I have only been a member for a couple days and and I Just wanted to know where this will lead to..I enjoyed reading your profile and it was so interesting and also got me stunned as well!! I would like to get to know you better. If you are serious about the type of Man you are looking for, please take the time to get to know me.I don't Care about the Age or Distance ,and I will Like to know More about a Woman Like you. May be you are the Angel Sent down from God... I will be Glad to hear back from you and Know more about you.. I do have alot of Pics to share with you But I dont like double dating and I dont like staying on the Website that Much... So I will be Glad if you can Email me Directly into my Personals
Email So we can talk much Better..... because as i know this will make our communication more complex and unique and it will help in photo sharing....So email me to or you can drop me your email address and i will email you.
XXXXXXX
at
ymail
dot
com
I cant wait to hear back from you..
Hope to hear back from you soon

(WTF is Ymail? Also, this guy's profile has been deleted. That's not suspicious at all, no sir.)


Here's a hint, guys. Some women are smart enough to realize when you're copying and pasting some spiel from either a) another e-mail you already sent to 1,000 women, or b) a dating site. If you really want her to respond, read her effing profile and comment on a thing or two on it.

Owen!

Years ago, I was on Yahoo Messenger, and this guy found me online. We talked several times, and since he was coming up to Lexington for work, we decided to meet up for a beer. I wasn't attracted, based on the photo he'd sent, but I took a chance and met up with him anyway. After all, what did I have to lose? I wasn't attracted in person, either, and since he was in Owensboro, and I haven't gotten past the idea of long-distance dating (beyond maybe an 80-mile distance), I sent him to the proverbial left. I thought he would stay there, but I was wrong. He IMed today. Here's how it went. [My thoughts are in the brackets.]

OwenSBoro: hi how are u
Dana: ok
Dana: how are you?
OwenSBoro: good
OwenSBoro: ur in lexington right?
Dana: yes
OwenSBoro: u remember me?
OwenSBoro: it's ok if u don't
OwenSBoro: been a long time
OwenSBoro: i think we met like 4 years ago at Ocharleys
OwenSBoro: I"m neil in owensboro
Dana: yes, I remember
OwenSBoro: do u really
Dana: yes
Dana: I remember meeting at O'Charley's

[Really, it was the O'Charley's part that jogged my memory, not him.]

OwenSBoro: i enjoyed u very much, if i were closer i probally would of tried to date u
Dana: thanks

[Thank God for distance, so I didn't have to figure out how to get rid of him.]

OwenSBoro: u still single?
Dana: I've dated since then, but I am currently single
OwenSBoro: gotcha
OwenSBoro: got any new pics
Dana: no

[total lie - I'm always taking new photos]

OwenSBoro: can u email XXXXXX@yahoo.com
Dana: sorry
OwenSBoro: oh ok
OwenSBoro: u on facebook?
Dana: I'm actually happy being single
OwenSBoro: well that is good
OwenSBoro: i just got out of a relationship 4 months ago
OwenSBoro: and i'm happy too for now
Dana: you should be happy regardless :)
OwenSBoro: lol why?
Dana: because being in a relationship shouldn't be the reason you're happy
Dana: you should be happy anyway
OwenSBoro: oh i agree, but it is something i enjoy from time to time
OwenSBoro: miss the sex though
Dana: that sucks
OwenSBoro: yeah
Dana: there's more to life, though
OwenSBoro: lol, i know but it is hard when ur a guy
OwenSBoro: and u were getting some regualry for 2 yrs
Dana: I guess
OwenSBoro: lol, u don't think so
Dana: I plead the 5th
OwenSBoro: lol
OwenSBoro: u should still be in ur prime
OwenSBoro: do u have a freinds with benefits?
Dana: well, that's my business
OwenSBoro: ok i'll stop
Dana: thank you
OwenSBoro: uw
OwenSBoro: what is ur first name again
Dana: Dana
OwenSBoro: yeah
OwenSBoro: what do u do for a living
Dana: I work in billing
OwenSBoro: gotcha
OwenSBoro: what do u do for fun
Dana: reading, going to live shows
Dana: the usual
Dana: you?
OwenSBoro: love the outdoors, sports, stuff like going to movies
OwenSBoro: stuf like that
OwenSBoro: i remember u being highly attractive
Dana: thanks
OwenSBoro: ur welcome
OwenSBoro: so u wouldn't date if the right opprunutiy came up
OwenSBoro: or are u just not looking for that

[Sure I would, but I'm not out there, pounding the pavement, so to speak.]

Dana: looking for what?
OwenSBoro: looking for relationship?
Dana: I'm not, really
OwenSBoro: i gotcha
OwenSBoro: are u looking for anything?
OwenSBoro: freinds, freinds with beneftis, etc
Dana: no
OwenSBoro: gotcha
OwenSBoro: do i need to leave u alone?
Dana: no, but I'm leaving for lunch soon
OwenSBoro: oh ok
OwenSBoro: are u on facebook?
Dana: yes
OwenSBoro: what is ur last name
Dana: I'd rather not say
OwenSBoro: oh i'm sorry
OwenSBoro: not a stalker
Dana: I know
OwenSBoro: just wanted to see ur pic
Dana: why do you want to see it?
Dana: out of curiosity?
OwenSBoro: yes
Dana: no sense in seeing it if I'm not wanting to date :)
OwenSBoro: i know i just was curious
OwenSBoro: seeing how my memory was
OwenSBoro: lol
Dana: what do you remember me looking like?
OwenSBoro: lol
OwenSBoro: dark hair, very attracitve face
OwenSBoro: olive type skin
OwenSBoro: i remember thinking u were a goregous woman

[OK, so the guy may not have been attractive, but he's not stupid. ;)]

Dana: dark hair, yes, but I couldn't be more pale
OwenSBoro: who would age well, lol
Dana: guess the memory fades after time
OwenSBoro: is olive and pale not the same

[Scratch that "not stupid" comment.]

OwenSBoro: lol
Dana: no - olive is what Italian/Greek women are
OwenSBoro: oh
OwenSBoro: that is why i wanted to see a pic
Dana: oh well
OwenSBoro: lol
OwenSBoro: i don't wanna bother u dana
OwenSBoro: glad things are going well
Dana: thanks
Dana: hope you find someone soon
Dana: to date or otherwise
Dana: I'm going to head to lunch
Dana: have a good day
OwenSBoro: have a good one, good to talk to u again

[Sorry I can't say the same.]

Dana: bye

And then I blocked him. Now he's staying to the left, like he should have before.

♫ 'Cause he's a creep... he's a weirdo... ♫

I went to McCarthy's (Irish bar) for Norman's resurrection party. Norman is the wooden leprechaun that serves as a mascot for the Irish import store that my friend Liza owns. A couple months ago, someone hit an icy patch on the road, jumped the curb, and hit him, breaking him in half. They just got him fixed and repainted, so they were revealing the new Norman that night. I got a pint and mingled a bit for a while. When I was talking to my friend Teresa, I noticed this 40-something guy at the bar staring at me. STARING. No way was I gonna look at him. I finished my pint and went back for another. My big mistake was not going to the opposite end of the bar to get it. I went right for the open space in the middle, and he pounced as soon as I walked up there. "You are a beautiful woman… I could get lost in those eyes." I thanked him and tried my best to respond to his cheesy conversation without being rude (I really need to learn to nip those situations in the bud before they get to be out of control). He offered to buy my pint, and hey, who doesn't like a free drink, so I let him pay. Creepy Guy (henceforth known as CP) called the bartender (aka Sergeant Major, his name for him) over and got my drink. Once we both had drinks, he said, "Let's do the Statue of Liberty toast." It was something like "here's to those who came before us… blah blah blah, oohrah." That's right, kids… I found yet another ex-Marine. I told him I had dated one, and he asked how it went. I said, "Apparently not well, because we're not together anymore."

He started the gamut of questions: are you married, are you single, why on earth are you not dating anyone… he said guys today must be morons, and he announced that he was attracted by my "fuller figure." NOT a good way to get on my good side. I was already pretty put off, but when people point that out to me, and try to make it seem like they're doing me a favor by being among the perceived few who like fuller-figured women, I totally shut down. Again, this is a skill I clearly need work on. Anyway, he told me that his wife, a Navy nurse, had been killed in Afghanistan. I swear he said it had only been a few weeks, but that he had taken his wedding ring off that night because he felt it was "time to move on." He spoke fondly of her, but really, I didn't buy the story, even after he showed me her picture. He told me I reminded him of her. He told me about where he was from, what he did for a living, etc. He asked if I had ever been married and how many kids I wanted to have. I told him I didn't know if it was in the cards, and that I might never get married, and he asked if I wanted to. I said "probably" and he raised his hand to volunteer. He asked for my number, and I said, "How about you give me yours?" So he did. I fantasized about that scene in Swingers where Trent talks up the redhead at the party they go to, and as he's walking away, he tears the paper with her number on it in half.

He blathered about having tickets to go on some grandiose vacation to Amsterdam, then Poland, then Egypt, then Australia or something, and how he had an extra ticket and would be going in May, and how it would be great if I could go. Right about then, Teresa came over to tell me she was leaving, and that I should come take her chair, since my coat was on the back of it. She hugged me and said, "Do you need help getting away?" I said, "Yeah, that would be good." So she tried to push me more toward the chair, and I finally found some nards and said, "I'm gonna go over there and spend time with my friends." He finally "released" me, and I tried my best to steer clear of him all night, but he poked his nose into our fun a couple of times. And he stared more. And he interjected with, "Please call me… I hope you call me" several times, too. Eventually, the people around that table sauntered off, and I was left vulnerable again, so he came over and asked me if I liked the islands. I said, "Which ones?" He said, "Any of them… walk along the beach with me in your mind…" Then he committed a cardinal sin again: he said, "there are styles of swimwear out there that are very modest, very feminine, and very flattering to a fuller figure." You have no idea how mad I was that I didn't slug the guy or straight talk him. I'm too damn nice. I wouldn't have thrown my drink on him, though – cider is a terrible thing to waste. Again, I made nice conversation, until Liza, God bless her, came over to save me. She asked if I was all right, and for some stupid reason, I said, "yes." She kept asking, and CP said, "She's fine." Liza shot back, "I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to my girl friend." She told me to come over with her to the bar, and he said something else, to which she replied, "I'm out here having fun with my girl friends… she's coming over here." So I did, and I thanked her, and she told me about how creepy she thought he was.

I hung out with her and her buddy Patrick, who was an absolute riot. I spent some time talking to my friends Christy and Phil too, who are also hilarious. Phil told me even he was creeped out by CP, and that's pretty bad for a guy to be creeped out by another guy. I tried to work it so I was never left alone. Christy noticed him staring at me again a while later. They decided around 11 to take off, and since I'd already had a pint more than I had anticipated, I decided to exit stage left with them. I was tired of fending him off, and I told Liza that as I was leaving. She said, in classic Liza form, "If you want to stay, stay! Don't let him ruin your fun! Just knee him in the balls and tell him you're not interested, no ifs, ands, or fuckin' buts!" I laughed and told her I was about ready to head out anyway, regardless. He saw that I was leaving, and he asked if I was parked in a well-lit area. I assured him that I was, and that I had someone to walk to my car with me, and he leaned over to them and said, "Take care of my treasure." I was really done at that point. Christy, Phil and I made our way out and walked up the hill, and we parted ways. That's about all that I haven't blocked out. I wish I could have found a way to work in a fart with a prize.

You know what they say about guys with big feet, don't ya?

My friend Karen and I were at a club in downtown Lexington one Friday night. This particular club had "Hot Ass" competitions for guys on Friday nights, which is why Karen really wanted to go. I was DD, so I knew I was only going to be able to have one beer the whole evening. That doesn't exactly get me in a party mood, so I let her run off to stare at guys' asses for the time being. While I was standing there like a sacrificial lamb, this guy came over and started talking to me. This was not an unusual occurrence. I tend to be a freak magnet. That's part of the reason why my coworkers at my last job loved it when I went out on the weekends - I almost always came home with a good story. Anyway, this nuckfut started yacking to me, and because I'm too polite, and I'm also extremely bad at getting out of conversations, I stood there and took it. He asked me what part of a guy's body I used to judge how "big" he was. Like that whole, "Y'know what they say about guys with big feet, eh? Wink wink, nudge nudge!" I said the first thing that popped into my head, which was, "Um, I dunno... I guess his hand." So the dude holds up his hand and says, "How big do you think I am?" This is probably the only time I have ever thought of a good comeback at the appropriate moment, rather than hours later. I held my hand up to his, and it was the same size, so I said, "I guess you're about as big as I am."

He left me alone after that.

When will it click?

Total lost: -2.2 lbs.
Next goal: -18 lbs.
To go: -16 lbs.

Last night, around 11:30pm, I cooked half a box of Barilla Plus elbow pasta. I'm not sure why. I wasn't hungry. I was bored, I guess. I wanted to eat something, and I had virtually nothing to snack on around here. I'd already way exceeded my points for yesterday too. I pretty much always do, because I know I'll probably be eating at Fazoli's, and what I usually eat there runs me at least 17 points. Granted, I did go for a quick walk yesterday, but that amounted to about 2 activity points.

This morning, I'm starting in already with the bad choices, and by bad choices, I mean that I didn't just eat breakfast and leave it at that. I'm already snacking. I've had two Kashi waffles and two 100-calorie packs of Hostess mini cakes. Doesn't sound all that bad, but it reflects my complete lack of structure on the weekends. I have the hardest time planning meals on the weekend - namely with regard to breakfasts and lunches. So I think today, I'll try and redeem myself. I'm going to plan out the next week's meals and get my grocery list together. I'm going to push myself to work out (even though sometimes it can be hard, since my feet have been hurting off and on for months). I've got to get going.

----------------------------------------------

OK, here it is, 10pm, and I've been to the store. I haven't worked out (unless you count a trip to Kroger as a workout), and I've had some bad stuff to eat since breakfast. I bought a chess bar at Kroger, and because they didn't have any rotisserie chickens left, I got breaded chicken tenders. But I had WW mac & cheese and a couple of carrots with it. But it seems like every time I go to Kroger, I get this urge to buy myself something "good" that's really bad. I've got to stop that. It's not helping me at all. I've got to get to the point where I even plan out snacks. I have at least two pairs of pants in the closet, and five-plus shirts that I either can't wear or don't feel comfortable wearing because my gut hangs out too far. When is it that that "thing" in my head will snap again? When will my positive, motivating thoughts become reality?

Thinking healthier

Don't you wish sometimes that the effort put into having good intentions regarding nutrition/fitness was enough to count toward weight loss? Kind of like the steps on your pedometer can be counted toward earning activity points for the day (every movement counts!). I've been thinking about eating more healthfully and exercising more off and on all day, and it would be nice if the thoughts counted for something. Right now, I'm taking a break from making a list of healthy recipes I'd like to try, and dreaming about what I want to look for when I go to Good Foods Coop/Whole Foods this weekend. I hate to not go only to GFC, since I've been on a bit of a "buy local" kick lately, but I think WF is bigger and has more stuff to look at. I guess no one says I can't go to both. Anyway, I've been reading Dietgirl's blog for days now, and her enthusiasm for eating right, cooking, and her general zeal for healthful foods (mostly veggies) is infectious. I don't think I've ever thought this much about adding veggies to my diet before. She's got this really cool opportunity where she lives - there's a service in the UK that ships a box of random veggies to your house, and the challenge is to ID whatever isn't familiar and figure out how to consume it before it goes bad. Even if they had that here, I think it would be pretty ambitious of me to start getting something like that delivered, since it's always been somewhat of a chore to add vegetables into my meals. But it's a nice thought.

Anyway, I hope I can continue these good thoughts so maybe I'll eat less (crap), and the same effect will happen to my thoughts of exercise. I read a great quote in an old entry on Dietgirl's blog today that helps: "It's such a high to feel your body doing what it's meant to doing... moving! Stretching! Being challenged. Kick ass." I don't know if I would quite go that far at this point, but I know from the past that it is empowering to work out. I wish I hadn't fallen so far out of the habit of working out. But I've reformed the habit before, and I know I can and will do it again. So, in the words of DG, "onward and downward... kick ass!"

It's better to be looked over...

I've been meaning to post another entry for a week now, but it always got too late in the evening by the time I thought about it. Not that anyone's missing them. I think I'm the only one who pays attention to these entries. Anyway, what originally made me want to post an entry was something that happened to me on the way to meet Dad so we could drive home last Friday. I was walking behind this chick, probably in her mid-20's, wearing an A-line skirt and heels (and this dumb coat with buttons down the back... but I digress). She was on her phone and was presumably oblivious to her surroundings. I spotted a guy walking toward us. As I typically do, I looked at him to sort of assess whether or not I thought he was the type of person to make eye contact and smile. He didn't even look at me - his eyes were glued on the chick on the phone. It's not like she was a supermodel or anything, but compared to schlumpy old me, I guess she was just as good as one. As we got to the intersection of Vine and Upper, I saw a guy getting ready to cross in the opposite direction. I did the same assessment, and he did the same thing as the other guy, only he blatantly looked her up and down. I'm talkin' head movements and everything. I was totally offended on her part, because had it been me, the flattering feeling would have been overridden by the feminist, "I'm not a piece of ass" thought. But I'm sure she didn't even notice - she was too busy on her phone!

Mae West said, "I'd rather be looked over than overlooked." OK, yeah, I guess I would rather be considered "worthy" enough to be ogled (and not by creepy guys who STARE in pubs), and it'll be a while before I feel like I'm at that point. I seem to respond better to negative stimuli than I do to positive ones. I'm still meditating on this experience, trying to soak out more inspiration. But now that it's documented, maybe I'll have better luck.

Day Two

I guess I should explain that the information I'll put at the top of the blog closest to my weigh-in relates to my net weight lost, and the current goal I have, not necessarily my ultimate goal. My ultimate goal is somewhere in the ballpark of 90 lbs., but that's pretty overwhelming, so I'm taking it in increments so it'll seem more reachable. Yep, that's something they teach you at Weight Watchers (aka WW) so you'll stay encouraged. And for those who don't know, they reward you for just about everything. Every 5 lbs. you lose, hitting your 5% goal, 10% goal, 25 lbs. lost, etc. You'd be surprised how excited people get over receiving stickers and trinkets for their achievements. So my first goal is to lose 15 lbs., and once I hit that goal, I'll set another one.

So today was the first day of the first week of WW-while-blogging. I did OK. I ate pizza for lunch, which wasn't exactly healthy, but I budgeted points for it. That's the beauty of WW - you can eat whatever you want, as long as you count it. Dinner wasn't so healthy either, and I blame equal parts lack of discipline and lack of planning. I really didn't have anything on hand that would have been that fulfilling of a meal, so I had mac & cheese from a can. But I counted it, and I counted everything else for the day, dipping into the extra allotment of points as needed. Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day, but as of now, I have no idea what I'll be consuming at lunch or dinner. I am going to do my best to get a workout in, too, since the goal this week is to work out 2-3 times, and I can't rely on myself to stick to the Saturday-Sunday combo I have in mind. Maybe I'll walk down to the library to take my book back and stop off at Sunrise Bakery for a turkey sammich. Tomorrow's supposed to be pretty nice, albeit windy.

I think I'll go try and come up with some meal ideas for the week before I head off to la-la land. Gotta get my sleep in - there's an article in Glamour this month that talks about how 5 women tested the theory that more sleep leads to better weight loss (http://www.glamour.com/magazine/2009/02/lose-weight-while-you-sleep), and apparently, it works. So, off I go, until tomorrow. Here's hoping I make better choices tomorrow!

Inspired by the Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl

Total lost: 3.2 lbs.
Next goal: -15 lbs.
To go: -15 lbs.

OK. I've been at this diet/lifestyle change/Weight Watchers thing officially for over 4 years now. I did great when I first started. I lost every week for the first 16 weeks or so (I can't tell exactly, because I can't find my first weigh card at the moment). But I went pretty strong there for a while, and after 11 months or so, I had leaped way beyond my 10% and lost 37.8 lbs. That's about 10 shy of halfway to my goal. Pretty damn good. Then somewhere along the way, I fell off the wagon. I usually use my aunt's passing as the turning point, since I wasn't able to exercise or eat very sensibly during the time that I was out of town for the funeral, but looking back, that's not really the case. I hit my all-time high after she passed. Like, 5 months after. I'm not sure what really happened, but I lost my mojo. And I kept losing it, and losing it, and losing it, until I got down around my 5% goal. I swore I wouldn't let it slip beyond that point, but old habits die hard, and my lack of discipline took over. I'd already stopped going to the gym regularly a while before that, because they messed with my schedule (they switched kickboxing from Tuesday to my Weight Watchers night, then started rotating another instructor with my favorite one who taught on Saturday mornings). I had formulated a plan to get around that, but I never put it into play. You can guess what happened after I swore I wouldn't gain beyond a 5% loss... yep, I did, and I got to about 10 lost. Again, I swore I wouldn't fall below a 10 lb. loss, but I did. The pounds slowly crept back on, to the point where I am now at a net 3.2 lb. loss. It's good that I haven't gained it all back, but I still shudder to think I had been 34 lbs. lighter. I had bought new pants. I had old pants that were so loose that I could pull them on over my hips without unzipping them. And I felt a lot better about myself. I had more confidence. And I rarely had fat days or moments when I felt fat. That is what I am aiming to recapture.

Here's the goal - lose 15 lbs. by the end of April. I figure that will create a 3" loss around my waistline, and the shirts I bought to wear last summer will fit for the first time. (I had refused to send them back or return them to the store.) In order to work toward that goal, I will plan more meals and try to snack less, or at least snack on better things. I will get my butt up and moving more - to the gym, to the living room floor, whatever. I'll start at 2-3 times per week for 30 minutes and work up to 4 times a week for at least 30 minutes. I'll add in some weight training once I feel like I've got a decent loss under my belt (pun intended). And I'll stop using Tuesday night as a "free night" where I can binge because it doesn't count anyway - I've already weighed in! (There's some lethal logic.) Hopefully this blog will serve as a good motivator to keep me on track, particularly if people (i.e. friends) actually start to follow it and make comments.

Here's to forming good habits (again)!

FYI...

J.T., you are a bad e-mail conversationalist. Were we talking in real life, I suspect you would be saying something to continue the conversation, not solely answering my questions. How about asking how my day was? Or how I am? Or how work was last week? Sheesh.

When should I not be supportive?

J.T. got a rejection letter from the VA yesterday, stating that he didn't meet the minimum qualifications to be considered for a position with the VA. I knew he was upset, but I didn't offer any other response other than "fuck them, they don't deserve you." I thought that when someone was upset about something, my job as friend was to encourage them, or blow smoke up their ass, if you prefer the less positive spin. So when I got home from Lawrenceburg yesterday, I was greeted with this:

--------------------------------------------
"Here's what I sent the contact named on the letter.

'I received a letter today that said "You were not qualified at the GS6 level
due to not meeting the basic qualification requirements as advertised in the
vacancy announcement."


There must be some mistake as I double checked every aspect of the listing
and when compared to my application/resume, I am more than qualified for this
position.

This is in referance to Announcement number 08-154.

Please contact me at your first available convenience to clarify what the
problem is.

Thank you
LT. J.T. Jackson
KY Dept. of Military Affairs.'

Don't give me any "more flies with honey that vinager" BS either. THEY
fucked up."

-------------------------------------------
I asked him if he was directing that figuratively at them, meaning they better not give him some cock and bull story about why they're not considering him. I didn't get a response after 20 minutes, so I asked him if he meant that I shouldn't give him that BS. Here's the exchange that ensued:

Him: That part after my name was for you.

Me: Well, I'm sorry they fucked up, but I don't recall any use of BS on my part, at least not tonight. Anytime I have allegedly used that in the past was my apparently lame attempt to be supportive. I'm VERY hurt by that. I don't like you implying that I'm taking their side, when I always try to take yours, even though you may not interpret it that way.

Him: I was saying Not to in a preimptive manner. Just didn't want any smoke up
my ass.

Me: Well, next time, it would help if you'd soften it with something like "I'd appreciate you not blowing smoke up my ass." My BP is still raised from that comment. [author's note: it's raised just by rehashing this again, too]

Him: Relax will ya.

Just because its in an email addressed to you, doesn't mean everything in it
is aimed at you.

Me: You just said that the last part was intended for me. I'm sorry they responded the way they did, and I'm sorry you're upset about it. I don't think you meant to hurt my feelings, but you did, so rather than let it get to me any more, I think I'll just leave you to your work. Goodnight.

Him: Fine

Me: A "sorry I upset" you would be nice. I at least tried to offer some sympathy.

That was it. I haven't heard a word from him, nor have I contacted him. I didn't expect to hear anything else, but I would think that most people, upon learning that they have upset someone, would apologize. I don't expect him to. He probably forgot about it less than an hour after it happened, whereas Frank and I were on the phone talking about it off and on for three hours. I don't expect to hear from him tonight, either, but that's fine, because my ass is heading to bed around 11:15, and no later. I'm not going to sit up all night, wondering if he'll e-mail. If he does, I'll see it tomorrow morning. If he doesn't, I won't be mad at myself for waiting on him for no reason. And quite frankly, that goes for every night. He doesn't lose sleep by staying up to e-mail me... why should I do that with him?

This is what I would love to say to him: "Why did you e-mail me to tell me your response to the VA? Were you just telling me to inform me? If so, and you didn't want an opinion, you should have told me so. And even if you didn't, if you had said, "this is what I told them," then there would have been no reason for me to say, "you should have said it this way or that way." Besides, I thought what you said was fine - no honey coating necessary - and it was pretty presumptuous of you to assume I would criticize it.

Also, two bits of advice, even though you probably think you don't need them. 1) You might want to copy and paste your responses into Word so that an auto spell check will be done. "Reference" was misspelled in your response. And 2) avoid using "don't" as the first word in a statement, if at all possible. All that does is evoke defensive, "I'm being told what (not) to do" feelings from the person to whom it's directed."

Or more to the point, and in his style of speech: "Look, if you don't want my opinion on something, either tell me you don't want it, or don't tell me about it at all."

The bottom line, and what I would love for him to answer, is... am I supposed to sit there and not react at all when you receive news that's not to your liking? I'm a girl. My nature is to nurture. I'm genetically engineered to be more in touch with my emotions, and more sensitive to others' emotions. Therefore, when someone I care about receives bad news, my first instinct is to come to their aid, however I can, and the knee-jerk reaction is to pump that person up so they feel better about themselves and can put the blame off them and onto whoever or whatever made them feel bad. I can't help it. It's how I'm wired. So, either tell me how you would prefer that I react, or deal with how I react on my own. I tell you what, though... I'm not contacting him first. There is a very small part of me that wants to be the pacifist, because I am the type of person who doesn't like for people to be mad at them. But in this case, knowing how quickly he "gets over" things, I can pretty much guarantee that he hasn't thought about it beyond 1am this morning, like I mentioned before. Besides, he's not the one who's mad here - it's me. The desire to be the pacifist is trumped not only by that, but also by my feeling that if I extend the proverbial olive branch, I'm somehow accepting blame for what happened, and it was his stupid, presumptive, assholish comment about flies and vinegar that caused this whole mess. Therefore, I'll spend the next several days, waiting on him to make the first bit of contact, and I'll play mind games with myself until then in an attempt to convince myself that his reaching out to me will be some sort of bizarre peace pipe.

Nightly "Love ya"s

JT and I usually talk every night that he's at work, either via e-mail or chat, and I admit, I'm a creature of habit. I like my closure. I like signing off every night with "goodnight... love ya" and I like (and honestly expect) to "hear" it from him. Although I try not to let it, it really bothers me if I don't at least get a "goodnight." Yes, "ttyl" is a form of that, but it's sort of impersonal. And I know that there are people out there who say "love ya" like it's rote, because even though they probably mean it, it sounds devoid of feeling at times. I'm thinking specifically of one of my coworkers who, when ending a phone call with her husband, rattles off "loveyoubye" as though it's one word. I don't dig that personally, but after 12 years of marriage, I can understand it. He and I have been together for less than a year. I don't think we're at the rote stage, and I certainly don't feel secure enough to think, "oh, even though he doesn't say it, he means it." I have to justify the lack of hearing or reading "love ya" by obsessing over the times he has said it, and the ways he shows it (because as we all know, actions speak louder than words).

Tonight, he was talking about going to some defense instructor school in Richmond, which will cost him $600, since the state won't pay for it. So that to me is the final nail in the trip to Ireland coffin. He'd already started the "I can't afford to go because gas prices are eating into my savings" spiel. So that basically means I won't be going, either, because without him, I'll most likely not have a roommate, and I won't have a constant trip companion, either. So now my choices are a) go to Minneapolis with my parents to see my brother, b) go visit cousins somewhere, c) sit on my ass at home, or d) attempt to convince him to use some of the rest of his trip savings on going somewhere closer to here, because I would really like to go on a trip with him (and I would love it if he would take some initiative there or at least say, 'y'know, I'd really like to go on a trip with you, too.' But back to my point. We chatted somewhat about that, and then he presumably had to run off to do rounds, which is part of his work routine. But in closing, I got "ttyl." Not even a "goodnight," and certainly not the "love ya" that I've come to crave. And it upset me, as it has before. But I guess as before, I'll have to spend the last moments before I drift off to sleep either clearing my mind and trying not to think about it all, or rehashing the times he's said or shown it before.

Men can be such lugheads sometimes.

Am I in heat?!

Whoever says you'll find someone when you're not looking must be right, although I'm not 100% not looking. But this Monday, I was asked out on a date, offered a chance to go out with another guy, and a third guy I hadn't talked to in probably a week returned my call from a few days earlier. And Sunday, I talked with a fourth guy who's very nice, but VERY Kentucky (Powell County, anyone?). I had a hard time understanding him. He called just now. I don't have the energy to talk to him, though. Then there's a fifth guy, who really is more like the first in this line. He's working out of town. Long story short, but he says he's really keyed up about hanging out when he gets back. I'm not sure I buy it, actually, but we'll see. The best prospect out of this bunch is the first one mentioned, because the date went really well yesterday, but hey, I've been watching a lot of Sex and the City, and I'm channeling each one of them to a degree, so if I decide to go out with each one of them, what the hell?

Pheremones are a very interesting thing.

Man Update

Here I am on Sunday evening... nothing big happened this weekend, but I was propositioned for casual sex by an 18-year-old and a 21-year-old, and an older married guy made a pass at me, and two other guys who expressed interest in the past have tried to get me to give them a second chance. So I guess I still got it. ;)